Adding Another Baby to the Family

When I was pregnant with my second child Ruth, I worried about adding another tiny human to our family. Would Hyrum hate her? Would he lash out at us? Would he feel replaced? I was sad to know that my one on one buddy time with Hyrum would come to and end and something new would start. If you know me you know I am a little freaked out by change. It’s exciting to me  but still a little terrifying.

I think It’s safe to say that many parents experience these feelings and so many more so I decided to address it and I feel like the only way to do so is in list format! (I love Lists!!!)

So here it is: I'll start with my brief experience and the BAM! The Good, The Not so Good, and The Ugly and Some Tips (from wise more experienced women (my Instagram family)) on How to help your older child adjust.

My Experience

When I was pregnant with Ruth, we started talking about her to Hyrum very early and made it super normal. When we found out that she was a girl we called her "baby girl" and Hyrum still calls her that so we all do too! In fact, I call her "baby girl" more than I call her Ruth. He didn't understand 100% what was actually happening inside me, but I think that he knew something was happening. I implemented the helping method early in pregnancy when I was super sick, and he was seriously such a sweet great helper. He would come to the bathroom with me and rub my back while I puked my guts out! A few days before she came we got him a gift (new pjs) to give him after the baby came. When Ruth came he loved her to pieces and he still does. Honestly the adjustment in the beginning was seamless. BUT it was because Ruth was an amazing newborn. She was mellow and hardly ever cried and just loved everything. Now, it is getting really hard because I feel like I have two banshees pulling me in different directions with theirs various needs. She is definitely NOT as mellow as she once was. I don't think that the adjustment is ever really complete. It is ongoing and that's life too I guess! A constant, lifelong adjustment. Hands down though, 1 million%, each child has made our home sweeter and a better place to put the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ into action, helping us grow our Outpost of Heaven.

The Good

• You get a new born again and all of the first that come with that

• You get to see the wonder in the older child’s eyes and watch him experience the newness of a baby

• Your oldest obviously isn’t done developing so you get to watch two kids develop and it’s super fun.

• Watching love grow in everyone. 

• Learning how to manage a house better-how to plan and organize time 

• The oldest will try to teach the baby things and show her things and it might make your heart melt a little. 

• Newborns bring your closer to heaven and that's a fact! 

• It means more built in friends! 

• Joy increases 

The Not so Good

• More diapers, crying, sleepless nights, worry and the other hard things of motherhood which you probably remember from having your first. 

• Less me time-you really have to go out of your way for it and make sure you and your spouse give each other needed “me time.”

• Just like lots of mamas (or maybe just me), kids aren’t always patient (although I’m pretty sure Hyrum is more patient that I am! 🙈) It’s difficult to tell your child to wait for something while you nurse the baby or change a diaper. Sometimes they are okay with it and other times it can be an emotional mess for everyone. 

• Fearing that you don’t have enough love to give. 

• Not enjoying the newborn stage as much as you did with the first because of having a toddler

• Creating and adjusting to a new routine 

• Mom guilt

• Worrying about if your older child feels forgotten or replaced

• Knowing it would never just be me and my firstborn again 

The Ugly

• You’ll probably notice that you wear less makeup or just go without more often, at least until you're better adjusted. Once I used to never go without and now I only wear make up about half of the time, some weeks I only get “dolled up” for church in Sunday’s!

• Ugly moods- adding a kid can cause more stress, anxiety, and lack of sleep which sometimes turns me into a monster. 

• Your body will be different. After working to recover from having Hyrum and getting back into shape, I thought “well now I know what it will be like for the next one!” Nope it’s different. Each recovery is different and my body just doesn't settle the same as it did before kids or even after being in great shape after Hyrum. I’m fit, I run, and try to eat healthy, and yet my tummy still squishes and my abs still haven’t come back together so it often looks bloated. (Andrew helps me feel like I’m still hot though. I love him for that!)

How to Help an Older Child Adjust 

• Teach him how to be a helper (start while pregnant) 

• Include him in all of the excitement of newness 

• Depending on the age- what I am saying is not a magic recipe, just what helped us, help him understand that he was once a baby too. As the Ruth continues developing, we talk about and show Hyrum pictures of when he was in that stage.

• Positive reinforcement 
• You’re such a great brother 
• You’re a great helper 
• Mommy’s helper
• I love that you love your sister (but your hugs and kisses are a little rough. ) Love her a little softer please 
• etc

• Get the older children a little gift just before baby comes 

• Have each older child pick out a new baby outfit or gift to bring to the hospital 

• Help them prepare for the baby by getting a baby doll 

• Go on “dates”; spend one on one time with each child after the baby comes