My Miscarriage Experiences and All of the Feelings

*** Regarding details of the events of  miscarriage, this can be a little bit graphic so just a little warning***

 Writing out this post has been a roller coaster of emotions for me and has actually taken a really long time -rehashing events and feelings, and then also writing with my readers in mind. I have many friends and family members who struggle with infertility and miscarriage and the very last thing I would ever want to do is be insensitive in any way.  I write with only the best intentions to tell my story and share my feelings with the hopes that someone may be uplifted.

I have have the wonderful blessing and miracle of carrying two beautiful babies to full-term and I’m raising them now through the ups and the downs of motherhood.  However, our journey to becoming parents hasn’t been as simple as just getting pregnant and having everything go smoothly.  When you look at our family you would never know we’ve had two losses. The concept of that one sentence has help me to look at other families with greater compassion and I definitely want to hit on that in the "feelings" section so keep on reading!

The Events

Pregnancy #1/Miscarriage #1:

After my husband and I got married, we decided that we didn’t want to wait to start a family. We got pregnant rather quickly and on my husband’s birthday September 26 I told him the news with some BYU baby booties  as a birthday present. We were thrilled and told our families immediately.

  In the middle of October, we decided to go to our first and only BYU football game. About halfway through the game I got a terrible stomachache, cramps, and started bleeding pretty heavily. We got up and left the game early to walk home.   It was pretty late at night so my doctor's office was closed. We ended up up waiting it out through the night and went to the ER the next morning (Sunday). For us, that was a mistake. We showed up at the ER, waited a billion years, and had an insensitive doctor tell us what we already figured but hoped wasn't happening, and then paid a ton of money for it. I am definitely NOT saying don't go to the hospital! I was so early in my pregnancy (about 6 weeks) and I wasn't in very much pain. I was just scared and didn't know what to do, so I went and there was really nothing the doctor could do but assume.

From the ER we headed to Andrew's grandparents' house where the whole extended family was waiting for us. Andrew's grandpa said the most profound and beautiful prayer/blessing, promising us that we would have children in God's time. All of our family was so supportive and kind. My parents sent edible arrangements, Andrews little cousin Clara (about 7 maybe at the time) gave me a big hug and said "It will be okay, my mom lost a baby once too."

Monday I called my doctor office and they suggested I get my blood drawn to check hcg (the pregnancy hormone) levels to confirm that they were going back down to normal, which they were. Through the weekend and the rest of the week I passed it all naturally which I have heard for several women is very painful physically. For me, it felt like a very very bad period.

Through the years Andrew has hid and re-hid those little booties so that I don't stumble upon them. When I do, we have a good smile and a good cry. I think this year we are going to turn them into Christmas Tree ornaments to remember the two that we have lost.

We learned that a woman is most fertile in the first three months or cycles after a miscarriage so if we were emotionally ready to try again to go ahead. We went forward very prayerfully and felt good about trying again as soon as possible, and got pregnant with our rainbow baby, Hyrum, in the second cycle after the miscarriage.

Pregnancy #3/Miscarriage#2:

Right after Hyrum turned 1 (August) we decided to start trying for another and we got pregnant the middle of Octoberish, and again told family and some close friends right away. Then on November 28th (about 7 weeks along) Andrew was out of the house doing something and his brother was on his way over from Ogden for dinner. I was making dinner when I started to feel that dull achy back pain and so I went to the bathroom and sure enough. That was that. I called Drew and he came home and Logan brought over pads and all of the things. Our friends left flowers and cookies at our door, and a couple of nights later our neighbors ordered us pizza for dinner so I didn't have to cook.

It happened much the same as it did the first time. Lower back aches and pains, cramps, heavy clotted bleeding, etc. This time though we knew what was happening and we didn't go to the ER. We hadn't found a doctor yet either and so I passed it naturally and took follow up pregnancy tests until they were negative. We once again decided to keep trying right away, knowing that our chances were super high right after a miscarriage, and it worked immediately. In the first cycle we got pregnant with rainbow baby #2, our Ruthie girl. 

I personally am glad that they family was there and that they knew what was going on. I can't imagine having to go through all of the knowing and emotions with only my husband and Andrew.

All of the Feelings

Validating your own Emotions and Experiences

I could write on and on about this one thing but I will try to keep it brief.

Emotions: It is crucial to let yourself feel your emotions. Talk to your spouse about all of them. Recognize all of the emotions you have and know that having them is okay and normal and REAL, but also know that just because a certain emotion is real, doesn't mean that it is right or healthy (like the blame that I will talk about below) but still a good thing to acknowledge.

Experiences:  I am still working on the emotion thing and will always be working on it, but I am REALLY still working on the experiences one because I still struggle with it so much!. Validating your own experiences means recognizing that your experiences are your own. I would hear comments and even make comments like "At least it was early" or "At least you already have a kid." No matter what blessings you have, it still hurts to not get the righteous desires of your heart. I would compare my miscarriage to others and say things like, "Well so-and-so miscarried at 10 weeks (or 16 or 24, etc) and so I  shouldn't be feeling this pained because I'm sure they had it much much worse." Just no. Just stop. (I still struggle with this!)


An important characteristic in emotional maturity is to have feelings, recognize them, apply the healthy ones.

My gut reaction:Anger

After our first miscarriage, I feared that we would never have children, I was angry. I was angry at women  who aborted babies or supported abortions, at teenagers who got pregnant on accident, and even sometimes at families with children, assuming that they just had babies easily. After going through two losses I have been able to better look at other family without judgment and with greater compassion, because I have no idea what it took to get those babies. Did these families have losses too?  Did they get their children through IVF?  Are their children adopted? And even if it was easy for some families, it was still not my place to harbor any feelings against them. Fortunately, I have been able to have successful pregnancies and healthy babies, and I know that some of my friends and family have not been able to yet, and my prayers and heart go out to them continually. Now that I have children I just sincerely hope that people don’t look at me and assume that our journey has been simple and easy,  but if they for a time I see us that way, I understand.

Telling Friends and Family

I was so glad that we told family and close friends immediately or soon after finding out that we were pregnant. It was the best because we had lots of people to celebrate with us right away, I personally felt like I was able to acknowledge and celebrate the babies for as long as we had them with us, and when suddenly they weren't  with us, we had an abundance of support and love poured upon us. I also realized that miscarriage is quite common and lots of my family members on my side and Andrew's side could actually relate! My mom had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with me, which I have known about my whole life, but I was able to talk with her about it, and even though maybe I didn't say much, I knew she understood and felt with me.

The Husband and Father

Andrew was and IS the biggest support, the greatest husband, and the bestest friend. As painful as it was for me physically, emotionally and mentally to handle, I had to remember that he lost the baby too. He hurt too. It's about the dad too. I can't imagine going through it without him. We mourned and cried together. We prayed together. We got through it together.

Blame

I blamed myself hard core and let me tell you that is so not healthy mentally and emotionally. I had such terrible negative self-talk and blamed me and my body for our losses. "Was it something I ate?" "Was my shower too hot?" "Was it because I ran that mile that one day?" "Does God think I am not ready to be a mother?" "Have I done something wrong in my past that I need to repent of?" This is so wrong, and while yes I can validate those feelings of worry and blame and say that they were so real, that doesn't mean that they were right or healthy because they are NOT. And if you have made it this far, please please please never blame yourself. Miscarriage just happens and we can't always know why or how it happened. 

Fear

Honestly, I am still scared of miscarriage. Probably even more so now because I know the pain of that loss, and I just fear that it could happen at any moment through out the entire pregnancy.  I am scared to try for another because at this rate, it seems to be a pattern. I worry that I will just expect that I will lose the next one and that I won't be happy until I feel like it is "safe." I strongly believe that pregnancy at ANY stage is something to celebrate so I don't want to fear, but I do. 

Turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ

Many people have asked, "How do you find the hope to keep trying?" and I have several answers. Even though it sucks sometimes to be patient, trust that God's timing has a purpose. Andrew and I have grown SO close through our experiences, and we have each grown stronger individually too. We have learned so much and looking back, we can see how God laid the timetable just right. Trust that He knows you, and that He loves you. Know that the atonement of Jesus Christ was not only suffered for our sins but for all of the heart ache and pain and frustrations too. I wish I would have really accepted that in the moment of both of my miscarriages. Luckily I understand better now though and if it does happen again, I am quite committed to turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ more than I did before. Just like in any trial, although it might be difficult, it's important to be open to finding peace. And finding peace does not mean that you're "over it" or that your trial means less. Let yourself find peace and heaven in your heart. When the chaos of life and tragedy shake you, turn to the heaven in your heart and the God in Heaven that loves you more than you can ever know.

I know that this was a novel and a half but heck! If you made it this far please reach out to me! I would love to connect!